Of Oreos, Peanut Butter, and Ingrates
by Elibeth-hobbit
Summary: Sirius and Remus have perhaps too much fun with some Oreos and peanut butter. Written for mage-luna and gothichobbit08.


Of Oreos, Peanut Butter, and Ingrates

_This is for mage-luna and gothichobbit08. They challenged me to write a fic including Oreos and peanut butter because that is their fave treat. I hope I did the confection justice._

"I don't care how much you love peanut butter, Sirius. There is no way in hell I'm putting that shite on my cock and fuck you with it."

"But Moony!" Sirius whined, "I'm trying to make my favourite foods sexy, and Oreos and peanut butter are insanely difficult to sex up!"

"No, Padfoot."

"I'll bring plenty of milk!"

"My answer is still no."

"Have you even _tried_ Oreos and peanut butter before?"

"Well… no, but I honestly don't see what that has to do with your insane idea to substitute peanut butter for lube."

"Only someone who hasn't tried Oreos and peanut butter would say that."

"I don't really care for peanut butter, Padfoot." _Not to mention the fact that it wouldn't work_, thought Remus.

There was a long pause before-

"WHAT?" bellowed Sirius, eyes popping out of his head. Remus feared that James and Peter might get concerned and come running. "_How_ do you not like peanut butter? What do you put on your toast then?"

"Nutella…" came the wary reply.

Sirius waved a hand vaguely in Remus's direction, "Of course, chocolate. Should've known." He looked forlornly at Remus, "So you don't like it _at all_?"

"I do like it on apples, but it has to be Granny Smith apples," he stated firmly.

Sirius just goggled for a moment before running to his trunk. Throwing open the lid, he rummaged until he found his stash of peanut butter and Oreos. He crossed to Remus's bed, sat down and presented him with the comestibles.

Remus stared.

"_Moony_!" Sirius protested. "You're killing me, here!" He unscrewed the cap on the peanut butter and rummaged in the pack of Oreos. Finding a desirable specimen, he dunked it in the peanut butter, coating the cookie liberally. He then presented this to the sceptic sitting across from him. "Right. Here you go."

Remus sighed. He knew that refusal would only earn him more whinging, so he accepted the sweet. "See what I do for you?" he demanded before cramming the confection in his mouth. About three crunches of his jaws in, his eyes widened. Then closed. "Mmmmf, Pahf't! S'good!" He mouthed, spraying Sirius with crumbs.

Laughing, Sirius brushed the specks off his robes before moving to make Remus another one. His hands, however, were batted out of the way by an eager Remus. He took two cookies, globbed on an obscene amount of peanut butter, and stuffed the whole mass into his mouth while Sirius looked on in wide-eyed incredulity.

All of a sudden, Remus started chewing more frantically and swallowing. He started waving his hands at Sirius, clearly signalling him to do something, but Sirius hadn't the foggiest idea what.

"What, Moony?"

"Mmmmfk! Mmmmk!" Remus garbled

Sirius cocked his head to the side, much in the way Padfoot did when trying to solve a puzzle.

"Remus, what is it?" Sirius was growing concerned as Remus became more frantic.

"Mouk! Mek!" He cried, becoming only slightly more coherent.

Suddenly, Sirius caught on. "Oh! You need _milk_!"

Remus nodded desperately, which is pretty impressive, being able to express anything much in just a nod.

Sirius, unfortunately, did not have milk. He did have water. Peter, he needed Peter for this. The boy knew all these great spells about food. "PETER!" Sirius hollered.

_Thumpthumpthump_ came Peter's feet on the steps. Bursting through the door, he took one look at Remus's full mouth and Sirius's half worried half amused expression, he stopped. Warily, he asked, "Mr. Wormtail would like to enquire as to the nature of Mr. Padfoot's request."

Looking chagrined, Sirius said, "Look, Moony ate this huge bit of Oreos and peanut butter and now his mouth is full and he can't swallow because he has no milk to wash it down with and water just won't do, you know? And I figured, you knew lots of spells about food, so could you please make some milk for Moony so he doesn't suffocate and die?"

Peter blinked once, twice, then he grabbed a glass and muttered a short spell that had frothy, white milk gushing out of the tip of his wand. Handing the glass to Remus, who looked ready to cry from sheer relief, he grinned and left muttering under his breath about canines and their peanut butter.

After Remus had downed the whole glass, he grinned sheepishly at Sirius. "Um... that was a bit...er, foolish, I suppose."

He looked so mortified that Sirius collapsed on the bed, roaring with laughter until Remus got sick of his mirth and kicked him onto the floor.

"Hey! Bad show! That is not on!" piped Sirius, coming up for air.

Remus looked smug, "It was good for you, builds character and all that."

Sirius huffed a breath and sat on the bed again. He screwed the lid back onto the jar of peanut butter and put both items on the floor before turning to Remus.

"So..."

Remus quirked an eyebrow suspiciously.

"Did you like it?"

Remus blushed, which drove Sirius nuts because he loved to see that pale pink mantle creep up Remus's cheeks from somewhere lower. "Obviously." His eyes snapped up to Sirius, suddenly, all embarrassment gone. He got slowly to his hands and knees and leaned forward until he was very close to Sirius's face. "Couldn't you tell?" he breathed.

Sirius's breath hitched in this throat. "Y-yeah, a little." He managed, trying and failing to summon a grin.

Remus moved closer, until Sirius had to lean back on his elbows to keep them somewhat separated. "In fact, Padfoot, I _loved_ it." His head ducked down, not to the other boy's lips, but to nuzzle his neck softly, hands reaching beside the bed for the peanut butter.

Sirius tipped his head back to give Remus easier access to his neck. "Yeah?" Honestly, where _was_ his vocabulary tonight?

Remus stopped his ministrations to Sirius's collarbone and nibbled his ear gently. "Yeah. You know, the _creaminess_ of the peanut butter. The way the white center melts in your mouth..." he breathed, pulling back to survey his work. He now had Sirius flat on his back on the bed. The boy's eyes were closed, savouring the heady sensations. Remus opened the peanut butter and scooped out a glob with his finger. Reaching down, he swiped a line down Sirius's neck.

"_Remus_!" Sirius gasped. "That's sticky- Oh!" Remus was _licking peanut butter off his neck_! He was harder than he'd ever been in his whole life, and- _Oh, I can die now_, he thought as Remus's tongue traced his pulse all the way down to his collarbone.

Remus grinned and leaned up to kiss Sirius deeply. With Remus's tongue sweeping through his mouth, Sirius could taste the sweet cookie and peanut butter. He reached up and carded his fingers through the soft hair on Remus's neck, giving the kiss as good as he got.

Soon, though, that wasn't enough. He began to squirm underneath Remus, searching for friction.

"Re-Remus-" he breathed against the other boy's lips. "Please. I want you."

That earned him another searing kiss from Remus before he started down Sirius's body; undoing buttons and pushing aside clothing the whole way. By the time Sirius was completely naked, he was aching and begging Remus to get on with it already.

"Soon, soon," he murmured. Remus fisted Sirius's cock, keeping the pressure light and teasing. Sirius cursed and glared down at Remus. "Fucking hell, Remus. If you're not in me in five seconds, I will hex you into next week!" He looked like he was going to say more, but just then Remus slid a slick finger into his entrance and Sirius went cross-eyed. " 'bout fucking time," he mumbled breathlessly. But once again, Remus couldn't resist teasing Sirius, taking his time. Just before Sirius could fix him with his wrath again, he pulled his fingers out and aligned the head of his cock with Sirius's entrance and slowly pushed in.

Sirius swore. "Remus..." he whined as Remus pressed in. When he was finally seated in Sirius's arse, he leaned up kiss Sirius deeply as he canted his hips back and plunged back in carefully. Sirius let out a breathy moan. Remus smiled into the suction he was applying to Sirius's neck. "More, Remus, please..." Sirius begged. Which was just as well because Remus was almost dying from restraint. He grabbed Sirius's leg and hiked it higher, slamming even deeper into Sirius. Sirius howled the roof down even as Remus buried his face in Sirius's shoulder as they pushed each other closer to completion.

Sirius came first, clinging to Remus, who followed after, howling his release as he emptied himself into Sirius. He let himself fall on Sirius, startling the man underneath him and knocking the wind from him. Sirius groaned and shoved Remus so he rolled off Sirius. Remus chuckled contentedly, and wrapped his arms around Sirius, lying next to him instead of on him this time.

Shifting on the bed, Remus noticed something sticky all over the sheets, looking down at his feet, he noticed the jar of peanut butter, still open and the sticky substance was all over the sheets. Groaning, he let himself fall back against the bed. He should have known that keeping food around during sex would result in a serious mess. Especially after the incident with the chocolate ganache... Sirius interrupted his thoughts with a mumbled "S'matter, Moony?"

Remus grimaced. "Well, Padfoot, it seems we have more of a mess than usual. I hope you'll do the honors, love, I need a shower." With that, Remus made all haste to the loo, leaving a pouting Sirius on the bed grumbling about how an ingrate with a sexy arse was still an ingrate.

A/N: Reviews are fabbity-fab and make the Elibeth a happy hobbit!!


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